steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 15, 2023 10:56:33 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Back on a vessel. Very nice. Very cozy."
"Very hectic."
"Someone from the main inventory vessel of the mission group was filling in as 'Head Resource Guidance Manager' until I arrived. They're going back to what they were doing. I'll have two assistants to help me out; The reason why they couldn't be the head of inventory is that they don't have the experience/rank for it yet. They're assistants for a reason."
"And the reason why they needed a new head of inventory? All I know is that it was a 'medical issue.' Which basically means that it must be the end of their career in the IKN if they had to dock at a starport for it. Unfortunate."
"Anyway, the Dngost is like any other Klingon vessel: Ill-suited for what we need it for. A hand-me-down from a nation's military that didn't really want it anymore. Cramped. Smelly. Humid."
"Home, Sweet Home."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 17, 2023 8:39:53 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"The captain is a bigot."
"He called me 'smoothnose.'"
"Smoothnose."
"He called me 'smoothnose' in front of others... Who did nothing."
"I can't write anymore at the moment; I've got to calm down and stick to task."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 19, 2023 14:26:55 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"I'm a half-breed. I get it. I understand. There are plenty of Imperials who are bigots. I get that, too."
"'Smoothnose'... Even amongst slurs, that's not the slur to use."
"About the only thing that I'm counting on is that he's older and older Imperials sometimes think that the slur is... complimentary. Which it isn't. It never was."
"I'm not a Terran. I'm not an Orion. I'm not a Vulcan."
"I'm trying to become a citizen of YOUR F**KING EMPIRE AND I'M SERVING IN THE NAVY THAT WILL ATTACK THE F**KS WHO THREATEN US, YOU..."
"*sigh*"
"I have to calm down. More later."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 21, 2023 11:13:18 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"OK. I'm going to force myself to be constructive about this."
"Note to Imperials - Never, ever, ever, EVER call a half-breed a 'smoothnose.' Ever."
"It's not a compliment. It's not 'affectionate.' It's an insult. It's a slur."
"Do you want to know the history of 'smoothnose'? Sure you do. OK, here it is."
"Have you ever seen an Imperial Klingon's nose? Of course you have. Compared to a Terran's nose, an Imperial Klingon's nose has ridges. It has the cartilage-like bumps on them, sort of like gills on a fish. Men have larger, more pronounced ridges; Women have smaller, less pronounced ridges but they still have noticeable ridges."
"Yet, there's a medical term for when an Imperial Klingon baby is born with a nose that isn't shaped like a typical Imperial Klingon nose..."
"OK, let me back up. Terrans know how a typical Terran face looks, right? There's two eyes, a nose, a mouth, etc. so forth. There's this concept of cute babies and ugly babies and the difference are subtle arrangements of where the eyes are and how the ears are shaped and the head shape and all of that. Cute babies, ugly babies."
"There used to be a medical condition that Terrans suffered from and it was called 'autism.' And, if you typically suffered from 'autism,' your face looked different than a typical non-autism Terran's face. A lot of Terrans would regard an autistic person's face as 'ugly' when compared to a non-autistic face. Go complain to Terrans about it if you don't like that fact. I'm just trying to make a point here."
"So if a Terran called a non-autistic Terran 'autistic' because of how their face looked, that would be considered an insult. The Terran knows that the person that they are insulting is not autistic but they are saying, 'You look like an autistic person even though you are not medically diagnosed with autism. You are ugly.'"
"It's sort of the same thing with 'smoothnose' but with racial overtones: 'You are not culturally a Klingon because you do not look Klingon enough even if you exhibit Klingon behavior and you were raised mostly Klingon.'"
"Was that a perfect analogy? No. But I think it gets you closer to what I'm getting at. More later."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 23, 2023 5:41:30 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"A majority of Klingons are 'Imperials.' They have ridges on top of their head, dark complexion, ridges on the nose, slightly-pointed teeth... You get the idea. In fact, dare I say, about 90% of Klingons are that. Granted, there are types of Imperials but... I'm not going to go there. Imperial is Imperial."
"However, the 10% who aren't Imperials are because of half-breeds such as myself, mostly Romulans and Klingons mating with some Humans and Klingons mating. I'm not a biologist but I'm pretty sure that Orions & Klingons aren't exactly compatible. And, no, let's avoid the Gorn because... Well, that's a topic exclusively for you and your psychologist."
"Anyway... *ugh*, I have to explain so much other stuff in order to explain *this*... It might not even be worth the effort."
"What the heck? I'm in a bad mood. Might as well give it a try."
"Let's talk about slavery for a moment."
"I'm about to bust another myth: MODERN -- KLINGONS -- DON'T -- CARE -- ABOUT -- SLAVERY!"
"Look, it's well-established that, even up until around half-a-century ago, slavery was still somewhat prevalent in Klingon society. I'm not an apologist; It happened and it was bad. No matter how you rationize it, it was bad. However, it wasn't like 'Terran slavery.'"
"'Terran slavery' was about forcing people to do work for nothing because they thought their slaves were inferior. And, don't get me wrong, there are really bad, really evil Klingons that kinda-sorta did the same thing. But they were the minority. And, when they were found out... Yeah, they were punished. Not as severely as modern-day society hoped for, but they WERE punished."
"'Klingon slavery,' at least the concept, was different. It wasn't about 'I want you to work for nothing because you, as a sentient being, are worthless to me.' It was more like, 'I'm better than you and I want to show you that I'm better than you and, if you are constantly around me and forced to follow my values, you will become just as good as me.' It was sort of like a cross-between of 'boot camp' & 'prison.'"
"See, Klingon society going back quite a long ways is built upon the premise that 'might makes right.' If I can punch harder than you, I deserve to have more authority and privilege than you. If I can prove that I can kill you before you can kill me, I should be able to dictate how you should live your life. And I get it: To a Terran, that's offensive. Complain to your local politician all you want, that's the mindset of Klingons."
"It's all about evolution; The guy making all of the correct choices in life IS going to be able to punch harder than someone else. Less time playing video games and more time doing bicep curls equals more ability to punch harder. The guy who can defend his wife and his children is going to carry their genes forward and those lessons will apply to the children and... Well, you get the idea. Klingons evolved like that for thousands and thousands of years."
"And, yes... Intelligence crept in there as well. Bad decisions shook out some Klingon families and let others prosper. You want to keep a roof over your heads, you want to pay your bills on time, you want to eat healthy food... It wasn't just 100% 'punch harder than the next guy' but, at the same time, doing all of those intelligent things ALLOWED YOU to punch harder when you had to, if you get my drift. If I eat junk food all of the time, I won't punch harder when I need to. If I live under a bridge and in bad conditions, I won't punch harder WHEN I NEED TO. If I don't have money to pay for trainers and don't work out, I won't punch harder. Good decisions, correct decisions always lead to punching harder. As Terrans like to say, 'All roads lead to Rome,' well... All correct life decisions lead to punching harder when you need to."
"And what happens when you encounter Klingons who don't punch as hard as you can? You are obligated to enslave them to show them how to punch as hard as you. Why? Because society needs a sufficient level of people who are able to punch hard... To defend themselves and to build structures and to tend fields and to repair shoes and... Everything."
"I could write a book and not get to the point I'm trying to make."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 25, 2023 6:40:18 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Look, I'm not a slave. Hardly anyone in modern-day Klingon society is a 'slave.' At best, you are 'indentured' as a result of 'tutoring.' But, as I've written before, what Terrans think of as slavery isn't what Klingons think of as 'slavery.' A lot of Klingon institutions that Terrans would recognize were born out of slavery. We got to the same place but just from different paths. However, Terrans saw the path we took and shake their fists and yell 'slavery!' and, yeah, a tiny, tiny, TINY bit of it could still be considered 'slavery' in the classic Terran sense but it's quickly disappearing."
"Take schools for example. We have schools just as Terrans have schools but we got to that point differently. Our schools tend to be what Terrans would call 'boarding schools' but they're still schools. The students aren't slaves; They're not working in fields and in harsh conditions."
"We have prisons just as Terrans have prisons but, again, we got there differently because we started at a different point. In fact, our prisons are more like 're-education camps' in the sense that we don't store our prisoners primarily in cages; They are constantly working at some type of entry-level craft or service. They are working. We don't want them in cages; We want them back out into the economy (if they can be rehabilitated) and we do this by trying to teach them 'how to punch harder.' Yes, there are some truly bad, evil Klingons. Full stop; No arguments from me. By the way, we still have the death penalty (and public executions as well) and we still use it (as opposed to Terrans, won't get political here) but only to show other Klingons the whole 'punch harder' mentality."
"I think I derailed my own argument about 'smoothnose' so let me get back on track."
"Imperial Klingons think that all half-breeds don't know how to 'punch harder.' That we need constant mentoring. We need to be 'enslaved' so that we can always be shown how to 'punch hard.'"
"However, when we do 'punch hard,' Imperials like to parade us around as though we're a circus animal. 'See, look at the smoothnose... See how hard they can punch? Why can't you punch just as hard?' That sort of thing. Older Imperials tend to sometimes think (VERY WRONGLY, I WILL ADD) that 'smoothnose' is a compliment. IT'S NOT! However, they'll use it in the context of, 'Even though you aren't an Imperial, you act like an Imperial and have values like an Imperial... and so we shall accept you but still not call you an Imperial.'"
"OK, I just have to just drop all of this because, no matter how I attack this, it just gets me more upset. Maybe I'll write about this later."
"Morale of the story: Never call a half-breed a 'smoothnose.'"
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 27, 2023 12:10:06 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Let's get back to the IKN. I'm still in it. I'm on the Dngost. My captain is a bigot but that's beside the point. I'm the lead inventory person on the Dngost. Our mission group is doing a patrol of the 'unoccupied border' (which is the Klingon border and formally unoccupied space). It's a bit unnerving because who knows what is really out there."
"The Dngost is not the inventory ship of the mission group. What that means is that I have to determine what our ship needs, send it up to the captain for approval, get the approval back, send it to the inventory ship, the inventory sends it to me and I stock it here so that it may be used. That's a grotesque over-simplification but it gives to you a base understanding of my job."
"It's not exactly a shock that the captain does not directly approve of these inventory orders. He's got a minion to do that task but that minion has to, at some point, inform him of such actions and the captain will usually just blindly approve of such requests unless they are ridiculously beyond the pale. However, the minion pretty much knows what the captain will or will not approve so there's not a lot of deviation between how the captain and the minion think on such issues."
"I'm in constant communication with the various departments on the ship. They tell me what they need; There's very little of me going to them and making sure that they have enough toilet paper, for example."
"Since I'm not on the inventory ship, there is the situation of what is called 'flexible inventory.' In other words, all ships in the mission group have a certain amount of excess inventory. That's by design; You never want to have only 'exactly' what you need. You want a little bit extra inventory in the event of delivery delays. Now suppose Ship A is the inventory ship. Ship B and Ship C are just ordinary ships; They've got inventory for themselves and that's it. Well, now suppose Ship C needs X amount of toilet paper. It's not a huge request but they do need it. Ship B has that amount in their 'flexible inventory.' It's more efficient for Ship B to give that amount of toilet paper to Ship C than for Ship A to give that amount to Ship C. Therefore, Ship A will send a request to Ship B to give Ship C the toilet paper. This means that the next time Ship B asks for toilet paper, they'll need a lot more of it but that's the whole point: Ship A's deliveries are more efficient when they are larger. Since there are regular interactions with other ships in the mission group, it's no big deal for Ship B & Ship C to swap excess inventory items since they interact with each other anyway. It's just another version of, 'Hey, you're heading down to payroll anyway; While you're heading down there, drop this off to engineering.'"
"Again, a lot of oversimplification but you get the idea. We're not just sitting around all day, twiddling our thumbs. Even when you're not on the inventory ship, you're constantly working."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 29, 2023 11:09:06 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Patrolling the unoccupied border is a bit scary. There's no denying it. Although you know what's out there due to a variety of prior surveillance, you don't 'know' what's out there."
"I'm not revealing a state secret by revealing this but there's not a whole lot of security out here. That's sort of by design; Remember, the Klingon Empire is a group of nations. Each part of the Klingon Empire is it's own entity. The nations aren't allowed to be in unoccupied space unless in very specific, pre-approved circumstances. It's to avoid escalating conflict and even war. We're allowed to be out here because we represent the whole of the Klingon Empire."
"To give an example, if France wants to defend it's borders, it puts up a fence ON FRENCH PROPERTY. It can't put up a fence on SPANISH property; It can't put a fence up on international waters. The only place that France can defend itself is in France."
"The same thing with the Klingon Empire; If you want to put up a fence, you put it up ON YOUR PROPERTY. And how much space do you want to give up to put up that fence?"
"Anyway, we patrol outside the border while a national military shadows us on the inside of their border. That way, someone can assist us if we need assisting. Also, they do it just to keep watch of us because... *sigh* Klingons and their macho garbage rivalry. Do I really have to explain?"
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Post by trynda1701 on Dec 29, 2023 17:30:20 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.] "The captain is a bigot."
"He called me 'smoothnose.'"
"Smoothnose."
"He called me 'smoothnose' in front of others... Who did nothing."
"I can't write anymore at the moment; I've got to calm down and stick to task." Talk about stepping on someone's toes with such a slur. Boy, is she mad! Thanks for the subsequent explanation about the 'slavery/indentured service aspect' of Klingon life as it pertains to half breeds, alongside the Imperial bigotry.
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 31, 2023 11:23:53 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Every ship has it's own little traditions. Some good, some bad. Some barely have any (usually only with the executive crew) while others are ship-wide."
"On the Dngost, whenever you have a meal, you're supposed to perform three 'fingertip pull-ups' if you're a guy and if you're a female, just do a 'fingertip hang' for about 10 seconds. You do this at the doorway to the cafeteria. They've even modified the doorframe slightly so that it's structurally (and physically) feasible to perform."
"Of course, I want to do the pull-ups. I can do regular pull-ups just fine but these are an absolute nightmare. I tried doing one but slipped off and fell (fortunately, someone behind me caught me before I fell to the ground). If you're a guy, and you fail to do the pull-ups, they hand you a bra and you have to keep it until the next guy fails to do their three. If you're a female and you fail to do the hang, all you get is a cracker for the meal because... You know, to lose weight because *obviously* that's your problem."
"The executive crew doesn't have to do this although some of them do but if you're a grunt... You do it. I've been doing the hang no problem (once you have the technique down, it's not that big of a deal) but, up until today, doing the pull-ups were next-to-impossible. The trick (at least for me), has been to keep your body from swaying. You have to keep your legs together, straight and pointed slightly inward into the cafeteria. The pull-ups themselves have to be slow to prevent swaying."
"Anyway, if you're a female and you do the pull-ups, you get to sit wherever you want (except for where the captain and political officer sits) in the cafeteria to eat your meal. If someone has a problem with it, they have to do either twice the pull-ups or twice the hang, whoever is assigned to the spot. Usually, no one has a problem with it."
"You'd think that the Imperial Klingon chicks could do the pull-ups but it has to do with how Klingons are built: All fast-twitch muscle, for the most part. They've got the strength but it saps out quickly. Also, you've got to be able to avoid swaying and that also takes up time and endurance and strength."
"I'm not just a pretty face."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Dec 31, 2023 11:27:31 GMT -7
Talk about stepping on someone's toes with such a slur. Boy, is she mad! Thanks for the subsequent explanation about the 'slavery/indentured service aspect' of Klingon life as it pertains to half breeds, alongside the Imperial bigotry. You're welcome. Just because the alt-universe can be boring doesn't mean that there aren't sharp edges to it.
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 2, 2024 13:17:38 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"We had an unannounced evacuation drill today. They're pretty standardized but some ships have a slightly different procedure than others simply due to the layout and nature of the ship. There are different TYPES of evacuations based upon the nature of the disaster."
"The most common evacuation procedure is to go to the head of the ship and then separate that part from the rest of the ship, making it a 'life raft' of sorts."
"Another evacuation procedure is to head to the back of the ship and enter hardened portions of the ship that are resistant to sudden environmental compromises until assistance arrives."
"Yet another evacuation procedure is to set up an umbilical (usually a line umbilical) and evacuate to the vessel on the other side of it."
"Here's a trivial fact that you might appreciate: You would think that heading to a shuttle inside of the ship would be a viable option but IT IS DISCOURAGED! The rationale is that by the time you get in, strap in, power up the shuttle and get the shuttle out of the ship (and that's even if the ship is large enough to HAVE a shuttle and a lot of ships do not have shuttles), you could have easily used another evacuation route and have been safe."
"For the record, we had to go head to the back of the ship and enter these areas not normally used as rooms and wait there (in complete darkness) for about half-an-hour before the drill was over. As always, we could have performed the drill faster. We'll probably have to perform the drill again at some point."
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Post by trynda1701 on Jan 2, 2024 15:06:36 GMT -7
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 4, 2024 13:45:53 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Patrolling the unoccupied border is scary. There's no two ways about it. Even though we're in a group and even though we are being 'shadowed' by a national navy on the other side of the border (so that they can 'assist' us should there be any trouble), it's still scary."
"I know that Klingons are supposed to be tough and brave and chew up tin cans with their bare teeth and whatever other myth that other races think of us but we can be just as scared as any other race."
"We're just in a tin can. A really sophisticated, technologically-advanced tin can but a tin can nonetheless. So many things can go wrong suddenly, without warning. So many ships, especially in the old days, just went missing. Gone. Without a trace."
"We're not supposed to talk about 'unregistered civilizations,' which is just a fancy way of saying, 'unknown alien civilization.' Statistically, the most that we're going to find are single-cell organisms and criminals of one stripe or another. We're more likely to be killed by our own ship than some sneaky new race of beings."
"It's just a different vibe. People are a bit quieter. They're a bit more focused. We all know what could happen at a moment's notice."
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Post by trynda1701 on Jan 5, 2024 8:17:44 GMT -7
With apologies to steve, composer John Walter Bratton and songwriter Jimmy Kennedy... "If you go down to the unoccupied border today, you may be in for a surprise...!"
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 6, 2024 11:37:53 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Being 'Head Resource Guidance Manager' can be a grind. You're constantly getting inventory requests. You're constantly handing out supplies, receiving supplies from the main ship, swapping supplies with another ship, giving supplies to another ship. The mission group has only so many shuttles flying about and so deliveries need to be made by certain times and inventory requests have to be assembled by certain times..."
"A dirty little secret about not being on the main inventory ship is that inventory space fluctuates far beyond what is considered officially acceptable. In other words, inventory can sometimes be piled in a hallway or in a room that serves some other official purpose. It just can't be helped; If people want a steady supply of toilet paper, that toilet paper has to go somewhere. It has to take up physical space somewhere on the ship."
"The executive crew and political officer know that they have to look the other way because, honestly, there is no choice. Granted, you give the executive crew the courtesy of telling them, 'Hey, we're going to use the hallway because another shipment of toilet paper is coming in and we're full.' However, there's just nothing that you can do."
"Other crewmembers help out and try to stuff items wherever appropriate throughout the ship. They take pre-packaged meals and stick them in the cafeteria, they put toilet paper in the restrooms, etc. Yes, technically, there should be no 'excess inventory' in other rooms because that's a safety hazard; For instance, there should only be 'active toilet paper rolls' in the bathroom and only enough pre-packaged meals in the cafeteria for one shift of personnel."
"And then, of course, you have to keep track of all of excess inventory which is a chore by itself."
"Never a dull moment in inventory."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 8, 2024 13:20:19 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Micro-meteorites pummeled some poor stationary sensor buoy that went offline some time ago. It's a complete loss."
"These are the things that we see on border patrols."
"We're not replacing the buoy; That's someone else's job. All that we can do is log it in, remove the damaged buoy and move on."
"This stuff happens all of the time. Other times, the power source on the buoys go out and then it floats away. We can handle that because, when that happens, there's a secondary power source that kicks in when it detects that the primary source is out. That secondary source powers a signal that pings it's location so that we can find it as it's drifting."
"I think that at least 30% of these sensor buoys are defective in one way or another. Batteries that die out. The sensors themselves are damaged. They get vandalized in one way or the other. Circuit boards get corroded. You name it. We see it. The damn things drift off into The Great Unknown."
"I swear, if an alien race ever wanted to invade us from our unoccupied border, all that they would have to do is fly up to it and politely ask where our homeworld was."
"If the Terrans ever found out about any of this, they'd fall out of their chairs laughing. I can't say that I would blame them."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 10, 2024 13:21:06 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Want to put a chill down every Imperial Klingon chick's spine?"
"'False pregnancy.'"
"Look; Klingon chicks have a whole host of medical obstacles to deal with later on in life. Breast cancer, ovarian cancer, death from childbirth complications... Up until around fifty to seventy-five years ago, it wasn't common for an Imperial chick to live past the age of 55. I'm not joking; Look up the records yourself."
"However, of all the female-specific ailments that you can get as an Imperial, 'false pregnancy' is the one that keeps Imperial chicks as young as ten (yes, ten!) up at night."
"OK, I hate being a sex ed teacher so if talk about Imperial Klingon chick lady parts disturbs you... Get lost. I'll try not to be graphic about this."
"Klingon chicks have small chests. Not exactly 'flat-as-a-chalkboard' but pretty darn close to it. Yes, they go through puberty but it ain't the same as Terrans or Romulans or Orions. A Klingon chick's 'puberty' is actually a sort-of 'pre-puberty,' if you will. If puberty for Terrans is for soldiers to charge across the battlefield with reckless abandon, Klingon puberty (for chicks) is to get all of the soldiers READY to charge across the battlefield. Yes, there's some breast growth and some shapeliness but not a lot. And there's a reason for that."
"See, pregnancy for Klingon women is a huge deal. THAT'S when their bodies go 'OK, this is serious' and THEN their bodies go really, really nuts. Yes, a Terran's body changes during pregnancy and so does a Romulan's but a Klingon woman's body just EXPLODES. THAT'S when they get their breasts and their hips and all of the other womanly things that differentiate men and women in terms of body shape and all of that."
"However, the Klingon woman's body STOPS this nonsense after a certain point. Once the fetus grows to a certain size, the body goes, 'Oh, OK. We have to concentrate on the pregnancy now. Fine. Divert all energy to the fetus in order to make sure that it lives.' Her puberty stops, the baby starts growing rapidly and out pops a bundle of joy that goes through diapers more often than a teenage boy eats through pizzas [Ed note - We cleaned up the analogy tremendously. You can thank us later]."
"But what happens when the body just 'starts' the whole process WITHOUT actually becoming pregnant? There's no fetus to 'stop' the puberty; It'll just keep going until... Well, it kills the woman. Literally."
"Before Terran (and Romulan and Orion) males yell out 'hubba hubba!' or other such nonsense, this is a deadly situation. It's a runaway car without any brakes. However, it's not without logic. See, at some point, a Klingon woman's body gives up waiting around for it to get pregnant. The soldiers, if you will, get bored WAITING to charge across the battlefield. Slowly, over time, a few of them will. If enough soldiers see other soldiers charge the battlefield, they'll charge as well. And every female is different. Some are in danger of getting it early, others may not see it until very late in life (or realistically, not at all because they already got pregnant first). This is why women are encouraged to get pregnant early; You initiate your puberty AND get it to stop before it drives you off of a cliff."
"And this can get deadly very quickly. In the IKN, if you're an Imperial woman, you get tested for this once every three weeks. And if you quiz an Imperial woman how often they should be tested for this, don't be shocked if you hear an answer such as 'once an hour.' Granted, if a woman sees significant breast growth (or her hips start to change or her appetite suddenly goes through the roof), she can go to a doctor and get a test."
"Once it's determined that it's a false pregnancy, the IKN will ship you to the nearest hospital as soon as possible. And your career is over. Kaput. Thanks for playing. Here's your consolation board game. I'm not joking; They will mail you your clothes and other belongings."
"I write all of this because a woman on another ship in our mission group got a false pregnancy yesterday. It's the reason why our mission group has stopped and that ship has broken off to transport her, post-haste, to the nearest planetary hospital."
"For the record, I don't need to deal with any of this. One of the fringe benefits of being a half-breed."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 12, 2024 13:35:19 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"During a mission pause, we don't just hang around and talk with one another. Oh no. If anything, during a mission pause you work HARDER."
"While we're conducting our mission objectives, our work is primarily geared towards accomplishing the mission. Our mission is to patrol the unoccupied border and, therefore, most of our work involves accomplishing that. However, during a mission pause, you merely divert towards all of the other work that you haven't been able to perform yet. And there's a lot of it."
"Case in point - I just spent most of my day helping out the inventory ship sort out and organize their inventory."
"OK, let me get this out of the way: Every mission is different, the circumstances always change and you can't 'judge' others. There are some missions where you're always organized and nothing phases you. There are some missions where you always seem 4 hours behind schedule no matter how hard you work. I get that."
"But..."
"It was a mess. You know, I get it: Being the inventory ship of a mission group is hard. You are stuffing inventory in every possible space that you can think of. You have outgoing shipments. You have incoming shipments. You are coordinating swaps in-between other ships. None of this is lost on me."
"Yet it was just an absolute mess there and one that, I don't think, can be organized in a single day or even a few days."
"For instance, a lot of the inventory didn't even have up-to-date labels on them. Let's use a simple example. Suppose that you have a six-pack of beer. You have a label on that package that says 'Cans of beer: 6.' The label is both Klingon-readable and machine-readable. You take one beer out of the pack for whatever reason. Now you have 5 cans left. If you're doing things the correct way, you print out a new label that says 'Cans of beer: 5' and place that label over the previous one (or peel the other one off)."
"IT'S. NOT. THAT. F**KING. HARD!!!!!"
"No wonder everything was such a mess: The inventory packing algorithm was thinking that some packages were larger when they weren't or there was space when there wasn't and... Ugh."
"If Star Fleet ever figured out how messed up things were in the IKN, they'd piss themselves laughing."
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Post by trynda1701 on Jan 12, 2024 16:47:32 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.] "Micro-meteorites pummeled some poor stationary sensor buoy that went offline some time ago. It's a complete loss."
"These are the things that we see on border patrols."
"We're not replacing the buoy; That's someone else's job. All that we can do is log it in, remove the damaged buoy and move on."
"This stuff happens all of the time. Other times, the power source on the buoys go out and then it floats away. We can handle that because, when that happens, there's a secondary power source that kicks in when it detects that the primary source is out. That secondary source powers a signal that pings it's location so that we can find it as it's drifting."
"I think that at least 30% of these sensor buoys are defective in one way or another. Batteries that die out. The sensors themselves are damaged. They get vandalized in one way or the other. Circuit boards get corroded. You name it. We see it. The damn things drift off into The Great Unknown."
"I swear, if an alien race ever wanted to invade us from our unoccupied border, all that they would have to do is fly up to it and politely ask where our homeworld was."
"If the Terrans ever found out about any of this, they'd fall out of their chairs laughing. I can't say that I would blame them." BREAKING NEWS: Imminent invasion into Klingon space in 5, 4, 3... 😳😳😂😂 As I said above, if you go down to the border today... 😉😉😉😉
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Post by trynda1701 on Jan 12, 2024 16:49:30 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.] "Want to put a chill down every Imperial Klingon chick's spine?"
"'False pregnancy.'"
"Look; Klingon chicks have a whole host of medical obstacles to deal with later on in life. Breast cancer, ovarian cancer, death from childbirth complications... Up until around fifty to seventy-five years ago, it wasn't common for an Imperial chick to live past the age of 55. I'm not joking; Look up the records yourself."
"However, of all the female-specific ailments that you can get as an Imperial, 'false pregnancy' is the one that keeps Imperial chicks as young as ten (yes, ten!) up at night."
"OK, I hate being a sex ed teacher so if talk about Imperial Klingon chick lady parts disturbs you... Get lost. I'll try not to be graphic about this."
"Klingon chicks have small chests. Not exactly 'flat-as-a-chalkboard' but pretty darn close to it. Yes, they go through puberty but it ain't the same as Terrans or Romulans or Orions. A Klingon chick's 'puberty' is actually a sort-of 'pre-puberty,' if you will. If puberty for Terrans is for soldiers to charge across the battlefield with reckless abandon, Klingon puberty (for chicks) is to get all of the soldiers READY to charge across the battlefield. Yes, there's some breast growth and some shapeliness but not a lot. And there's a reason for that."
"See, pregnancy for Klingon women is a huge deal. THAT'S when their bodies go 'OK, this is serious' and THEN their bodies go really, really nuts. Yes, a Terran's body changes during pregnancy and so does a Romulan's but a Klingon woman's body just EXPLODES. THAT'S when they get their breasts and their hips and all of the other womanly things that differentiate men and women in terms of body shape and all of that."
"However, the Klingon woman's body STOPS this nonsense after a certain point. Once the fetus grows to a certain size, the body goes, 'Oh, OK. We have to concentrate on the pregnancy now. Fine. Divert all energy to the fetus in order to make sure that it lives.' Her puberty stops, the baby starts growing rapidly and out pops a bundle of joy that goes through diapers more often than a teenage boy eats through pizzas [Ed note - We cleaned up the analogy tremendously. You can thank us later] ."
"But what happens when the body just 'starts' the whole process WITHOUT actually becoming pregnant? There's no fetus to 'stop' the puberty; It'll just keep going until... Well, it kills the woman. Literally."
"Before Terran (and Romulan and Orion) males yell out 'hubba hubba!' or other such nonsense, this is a deadly situation. It's a runaway car without any brakes. However, it's not without logic. See, at some point, a Klingon woman's body gives up waiting around for it to get pregnant. The soldiers, if you will, get bored WAITING to charge across the battlefield. Slowly, over time, a few of them will. If enough soldiers see other soldiers charge the battlefield, they'll charge as well. And every female is different. Some are in danger of getting it early, others may not see it until very late in life (or realistically, not at all because they already got pregnant first). This is why women are encouraged to get pregnant early; You initiate your puberty AND get it to stop before it drives you off of a cliff."
"And this can get deadly very quickly. In the IKN, if you're an Imperial woman, you get tested for this once every three weeks. And if you quiz an Imperial woman how often they should be tested for this, don't be shocked if you hear an answer such as 'once an hour.' Granted, if a woman sees significant breast growth (or her hips start to change or her appetite suddenly goes through the roof), she can go to a doctor and get a test."
"Once it's determined that it's a false pregnancy, the IKN will ship you to the nearest hospital as soon as possible. And your career is over. Kaput. Thanks for playing. Here's your consolation board game. I'm not joking; They will mail you your clothes and other belongings."
"I write all of this because a woman on another ship in our mission group got a false pregnancy yesterday. It's the reason why our mission group has stopped and that ship has broken off to transport her, post-haste, to the nearest planetary hospital."
"For the record, I don't need to deal with any of this. One of the fringe benefits of being a half-breed." Well, I didn't see this "real life" issue becoming a post. Interesting and scary biology issue for Imperial Klingon women! 😳😳😳😳
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 14, 2024 12:19:51 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"I spent another day over at the main inventory ship to sort things out. It hasn't been easy."
"Look, we have TONS of labels. We are not for want for labels to slap onto inventory. It's not a question about ink (OK, technically, not ink but more a process like wood-burning... Anyway, you get the idea). It's just that you have to do it, do it constantly and do it consistently."
"I mean, up until this point, I haven't really complained about inventory shipments from the main inventory ship. Although they haven't been as timely as I would have liked, it's not as though we haven't run out of anything. Like I wrote before, every mission is different, every circumstance is different. You don't know what they're going through and, so long as nothing gets critical, you just let it slide. Had I noticed a lot of ship-to-ship swapping? Sure, but it didn't bother me. In some mission groups, a high volume of swapping is discouraged, in others, it's encouraged. To each their own and you pick up the 'feel' of what's allowed and what isn't over the first few weeks of a mission."
"Anyway, I think that I've figured out what the problem was: Except for the head inventory person, everyone else are rookies. No joke; There's only one person in the staff that's done main inventory on a prior mission. And the head person has only led the main inventory twice before this."
"Look, I'm not a grizzled veteran and I can't claim any sort of superpower when it comes to inventory. However, working on the main inventory ship is just different than working on other ships in a mission group. It's a different intensity, it's a different set of skills, it's a different mindset and priorities."
"Place is a mess. I hope that I can go back to my own ship and let them sort this all out."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 16, 2024 13:27:34 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"It's not a promotion, from what I've been told."
"Want to give an enlisted soldier in the IKN the chills? Tell them that the MGCC (Mission Group Control Committee) wants to have a talk with you."
"See, in a mission group, there are many ships. Each ship has a captain. But the entire mission group has a leader, a 'captain of captains,' if you will. And it's not just one guy but a group of people making sure that the mission runs as smoothly as possible. That group of people are called the MGCC and you NEVER -- EVER -- want to draw their attention to you in any way, even if it's for a good thing. 9 times out of 10, when they look upon you, you are in deep s**t. If it's just 'local' (your own ship, the executive crew of your own ship)... Well, that's bad but it's not the MGCC."
"The MGCC doesn't really talk to you directly; They issue the order down to local command who then tells you."
"Anyway, the MGCC relieved me of my command on the Dngost and transferred me over to the inventory ship, Takpol, effective immediately. Apparently, I had done such a nice job trying to get their inventory problems resolved that they want me to keep doing what I was doing over there. The MGCC doesn't tell you that, naturally, but, unofficially, that's the reason. In fact, they've pretty much relieved all of the rookies on the inventory ship and sent them to other ships and are bringing in people from other ships in the group with main inventory ship experience in their place. I'm one of them."
"And this is why you keep all of your personal items neat and tidy: So that it can be transferred at a moment's notice. Which it has been."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 18, 2024 13:38:06 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"Some housekeeping gossip to catch up on:"
"The 'false pregnancy' chick made it to the planetary hospital and she's doing well. Obviously, that's pretty much the end of her career in the IKN. Maybe she can find a desk job or work in recruitment... I don't know but the IKN is pretty strict about not employing people with significant health problems like that."
"Regardless of what ship I'm on or what I'm doing, I'm still trapped into watching that stupid show that all Klingon chicks love, the one where you have to decide each week some superficial thing that affects next week's episode. I'd rather enlist in Star Fleet if I had a choice and, trust me, it wouldn't be a hard one to make."
"I miss doing fingertip pull-ups before every meal. Anything to show up Imperials that us half-breeds are more than just 'smoothnoses.'"
"Before anyone asks 'Hey, you were assigned to the Dngost because they had the only doctor who was trained to deal with half-breeds!' Yeah, I know. And the MGCC knew... And they didn't care. The doctor is still on the Dngost so, gosh forbid something major happens, that would be bad. However, there is a doctor onboard the Takpol who, at least, is somewhat versed in dealing with half-breeds although not professionally certified to do so. If anything serious does happen, they'll just send my doctor from the Dngost over here."
"I think that's everything for the time being."
"OK, maybe not. You know, I get that there will always be a bit of friction between the IKN and the national navies (some more so than others). However, sometimes, the friction just gets tacky. And stupid. And juvenile."
"Currently, we're being 'shadowed' by a small vessel group from the national navies on their side of the border while we patrol the outside of the border. That's on purpose; You want the two groups to back each other up in case a genuine emergency occurs. It also makes diplomatic sense; This way, no one can claim something bad happened. They can't falsely claim an attack by another national navy because we've been here the entire time. We can't falsely claim an attack by an unknown civilization because they've been watching us the entire time."
"However, their communication channel is constantly blaring nationalistic, patriotic music whenever they are not speaking with us. It gets rather annoying and it's also (technically) illegal. This is a joint military operation and, under protocol, all communication channels need to be vacant (aka 'silent') unless used for direct military purposes. We have to keep the channel open in case they broadcast an emergency so it's not like we can just ignore it. While it doesn't personally bother me because I don't (and physically can't) listen to it, I know that it's irritating the executive crew."
"Boys will be boys."
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steve
Commander
Posts: 548
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Post by steve on Jan 20, 2024 9:57:34 GMT -7
CONFESSIONAL - FROM A KLINGON CITIZEN
[Note - The text has been edited for clarity and context. It has been edited with contemporary Terran audiences in mind. Idioms and local references have been changed to the most appropriate Terran equivalent.]
"The inventory crisis is FINALLY over. That was WAY too much work. And, just in time, because that other ship has returned and we're back on our normally scheduled patrol. Lucky us."
"We're still a main inventory ship so it's not as though everything is neat and tidy. It's just what you would expect: Boxes and packages in hallways, rooms emptied of furnishings to make way for more inventory, some hallways so clogged with inventory that sucking in your gut and walking sideways is still dicey for getting through them. However, it's now ORGANIZED. And not just organized but organized according to the inventory algorithm. If we claim that we only have 1,000 rolls of toilet paper, it's accurate now as opposed to before. If it claims that you can get thirty rolls of toilet paper from, say, Room 112, then it's actually there as opposed to before where there might only be five rolls or fifty rolls or no rolls at all."
"Anyway, in celebration of getting everything back up to shape, the captain of our ship ordered us to meet him in the cafeteria. He poured each of us out a small glass of Niltinscar [Ed Note - "Niltinscar" is a brand name and not an actual Klingon word like you would find in a dictionary], which is a very high-end brand of Klingon alcohol. It is meant to be drank quickly, like a shot of whiskey. It was very strong. Very, VERY strong. He thanked us for our hard work and then left. I had to have a seat once he left as I was seeing double. I was dizzy for about a half-hour. My co-workers walked me back to my quarters, snickering the entire time. They did say that it was strong but, because I'm only a half-breed, I couldn't handle it as well as they could."
"I would later learn that a bottle of that stuff costs 3,500 darseks and you have to reserve your purchase years in advance for a single bottle. They can keep it."
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